Is your Garmin Gaslighting you?

Have you ever been in a coercive relationship where you have been controlled, manipulated and gaslit?

Would you be able to recognise the signs? Has your reality ever been altered to the point that you doubt who you are, or what you say or how you feel? Has your self-worth and self-esteem ever been diminished over time that you became dependent on someone because you didn’t know who you were anymore?

I have, it was many years ago before there were the words, the understanding, or the language to explain all the feelings that I experienced whilst under the control of somebody who purported to love me.  It was a time in my life when I was particularly vulnerable, I was 21 years old, a longish relationship had just ended, and I had given up my dream job to pursue another dream job of being a cruise ship photographer. I was ready to jump on board to sail the seven seas however, there was a small delay before I could embark on my new adventure, and I found myself having to quickly find a temporary job and somewhere to live to tide me over.

Working in a busy city center bar, feeling untethered, the bar manager, a gifted liar and predator, circled and soared observing his prey, sensing my vulnerability, before he swooped in from his metaphorical hunting perch, and pounced upon my emotional frailty.  He bombarded me with love, his charm combined with an unfamiliar thoughtfulness and a promise of a bright, shiny future that didn’t involve sea sickness tablets blinded my usual instincts. 

The gaslighting and coercion was a gradual process, I didn’t notice it at first, any thoughts or feelings were squashed as he disconcerted me with an imbalanced power dynamic. He appeared older, wiser, as he whispered words of how beautiful I was without make up, introducing his tactical plotting to erode my identity, how people were talking about me, as he started to steer me towards isolation, how much better it would hand over my weekly wages to him, so I became more dependent on him, how we were a team as I signed tenancy agreements and utility bills in my sole name yet an inheritance windfall into a joint bank account.  He was a master of manipulation as he expertly maneuvered me away from family and friends, their words of doubt explained away as jealously of the love that we shared

The relationship did end, I found the strength to leave, but it was messy, it was violent, it cost me emotionally and financially and it wasn’t until many years later that I was able to recognise that this relationship screamed of the now well-known classic signs of coercion.

 What has this got to do with running?

And why am I sharing such a personal story?  I’ve spent quite a bit of time thinking, talking, and researching this, wondering if I’m stepping over the line, suggesting the unsuggestable, phrases like coercive control and gaslighting are strong, accusatory words, words that once spoken you can’t take back.  Suggesting that you might be in an imbalanced relationship feels intrusive, but I’m going to be brave and just try and make a gentle observation….

Is your smartwatch gaslighting you?

Are you being coerced into doing or feeling a certain way that is preventing you from trusting your intuition, your pace, your progress, feeling your HR, and your effort.

Every day, all day, we are in a dialogue with our bodies, it’s what keeps us alive, we listen so we know when to eat, sleep, work, meet friends, run, but have you unwittingly added a third party into the conversation and the dynamics?

You may not have even noticed how much you even depend on the watch’s input, it’s just become the norm, the relationship you now have with your watch has probably been a gradual and unexpected growth, we like being told what to do so there’s no uncertainty and I don’t blame you if you’ve been influenced by your new watch, I mean who wouldn’t?  It’s exciting, educated, charming, sexy, shiny, popular, it gives you more accurate, in-depth data and therefore the assumption more knowledge about you than you know about yourself!

 Oh, but it is so gifted in its ability to gradually manipulate micro aggressions into your day; beginning with compliments as you build your relationship together, Good Job! Another PB! Your Productive! Your fitness age is 27! Your 5km time is 18 mins! YAY!!

These clever algorithms entice you further in, making you feel more reliant on them to tell you how things are “really” going. Love bombing you with the promise of the bright future you’ll share together, purr performance predictions stats into your psyche, “stick with me kid, because this is what we can achieve together”.

But do you walk away from a run feeling like the crazy one?

These enticements can begin to corrode your own judgements of your reality, the validity of your experience of your run, losing hope of thriving as the data and stats begin to erode your self-worth.

 Did you sleep well?

You might wake up to messages that you didn't sleep well when in fact you feel fully rested; a tiny seed of self-doubt being planted in trusting your own experience. Or maybe you've been told your “Peaking” 6 weeks before your race or your certainty and confidence has been put at risk because your drop-down week suggest you’re "detraining & unproductive".  An all-out effort session is met with those immortal words “maintaining” and you’re told that your easy run is “overreaching”.  Frantically searching for a stat that will ease your algorithm anxiety is met with a reduction in your performance stats, as your smartwatch compares you to the version you were last week, last month and last year; its calculated manipulation highlights how you were so much “more than” compared to where you are now.

 Comparison is the thief of joy

And just to belittle and undermine you even more, it highlights all its past “girlfriends”, races run by your peers as they preen their success on Strava, rubbing your face right into their beauty, their strength and how much better they are compared to you. This provoking, agitating behaviour from your watch can lead to angst and upset on your part, but your response makes not one jot of difference to the cold, apathetic and unremorseful partner that you now rely on so heavily. There are no allowances, compassion or space for your own unique individualism, your quirks with food, your life, your brain, your abilities, or your disabilities.  This coercive dynamic has the power to exert control over you, so much so that you might be unable to hear your body’s voice, with the belief being that these devices gives you more accurate, more in-depth data and thus knowledge about yourself – “I know what’s best for you…….” Funny, that’s a phrase I used to hear a lot.

You can leave the relationship and learn to trust your own judgement again, it will be hard, and you might not want to, even downplaying the severity of your situation, but I want you to ask yourselves if you start a conversation with “my watch says….it says my pace is…..it says my HR is…..” and if the data is taking up valuable space in your mind impacting how you feel about yourself and your running, then maybe it is time to think about cooling it off, taking some time out and time away from this relationship.